2(ish) Years Later

When I last left you, I encouraged you to challenge yourselves, like I was.

That was over two years ago.  What have you done in that time?

What have I done in that time?

For my 37th birthday, I challenged myself to do 300 days of 75 Hard before my 38th birthday.  My longest streak was 9 days, between June 17-25, 2022, and I quit on September 2nd.  In 77 days, I had 56 days “on-program,” and I failed.

Saying I failed doesn’t quite make the point, though.  I didn’t fail.  I didn’t come up a little bit short.  In reality, I quit.  I made the decision that I just was not committed to that challenge.

Since that time, I have gone through 75 Hard two more times.  My third completion had a couple false starts for various reasons, but I did complete the 75 days.

After quitting my challenge in 2022, I haven’t taken on another.  I’ve had ideas, but every time, I’ve talked myself out of it.

That’s not to say that I haven’t challenged myself, because I have.  I took the starting line for the Jacksonville Marathon earlier this month.  My training had its own set of challenges (plantar fasciitis and a likely broken toe along the way), and I pulled myself out of the race at mile 15.  But that story is for another day.

But I haven’t done anything quite like my 100k pushup challenge.  I have been tempted to just renew that challenge, but I’ve been dealing with some shoulder/rotator cuff issues that make more than 5-10 pushups rather painful, and not the “Oh, I’m sore because this was a good workout” kind of “pain,” but the, “Oh, there’s something wrong deep in there, don’t actually hurt yourself” kind.  But, I’m working on that.

I had dabbled with the idea of another challenge like 100k kettlebell swings, or a shorter challenge of 10k in a month.

I’d like to blame analysis paralysis, but really I think I have just been afraid to start.

I was looking for some kettlebell workouts and came across Pavel Tsatsouline’s Enter the Kettlebell!  Rather than committing to a certain volume of swings, I am challenging myself to follow the protocols in that book – starting with just practicing the two main moves: the kettlebell swing and the Turkish get-up.

I feel pretty good with the swing, but my get-up needs a lot more practice (as a side note, it sounds like the Turkish get-up can do wonders for shoulders).  Once I feel much more solid in my practice of those moves, then I’ll start following the RKC Minimum program, then progress to the RKC Rite of Passage.

A constant refrain through the book is that these progressions take time.  Do not rush it.  That is its own challenge.  Patience.

If I don’t give myself a challenge or rules to follow, I struggle.  Doing 75 Hard, I have no problem getting up early to go for a walk or a run.  Day 76, it’s a struggle to get up, since I don’t need to do it that day.

Even if the rules are arbitrary, they work for me.  Through three runs of 75 Hard, I tell myself that I must drink a gallon of water, read 10 pages, take a progress picture, stick to a diet and no alcohol, and do two 45-minute workouts (one outside), and I can accomplish those items everyday without issue.  But for me, simply saying, “I want to do that (or similar) most of the time”…well, that just doesn’t work.

I have two good physical challenges – the kettlebell program and continuing my marathon training.

But it’s not just physical.  There are other things I want to do which require nothing more than consistency.  Deliberate time spent.

I have my podcast, but in 2024 I’ve posted 13 full episodes plus one short introductory episode.  As of this writing, I have posted 2 new episodes in the past 6 months.  To give you a brief glimpse behind the screen, also as of this writing, I have 36 more episodes already recorded, which only need editing and recording of an intro and outro.

Again – consistency.  Deliberate time spent working on the podcast.

I want to write more for the blog – more than once every two years.

I want to get better at guitar.

I want to continue improving physically and mentally.

The common thread?  Consistency.  Consistency.  Consistency.

All of those things require deliberate action.  Deliberate time spent.

But how do I attain consistency while being flexible to the demands of life with a wife, two kids, and a full-time job?  Or is there some amount of inflexibility that is required?

Honestly, I don’t know.  This blog would probably look very different if I had it all figured out.

What I do know is that “winging it” doesn’t work.  At least for me.

Winging it gets me 49 recorded episodes of a Star Trek podcast, but only 13 released.

Rigidly following otherwise arbitrary rules gets me through another iteration of 75 Hard.  Winging it after gets me back to where I was before.

I started writing this post in September, but New Year’s Eve seems an apt time to readdress it.  I have been brainstorming some different challenges/goals/systems I will implement in 2025.  I mentioned a couple of them above (kettlebells, marathon training), but I have some others, too.

Most of them relate to consistency, like the podcast.  Some are professional goals I hope to achieve.

I still try to follow Scott Adams’ advice of focusing on systems not goals.  Hence, I am taking on a kettlebell program, not a goal of swinging a kettlebell a set number of times.  I am going to focus on eating better, not reaching a certain weight.

What I really need to do is make sure that tomorrow I am closer to where I want to be than I am today.  I need to stay directionally right, at a minimum.

I need to define my priorities that are non-negotiable, whether physical, mental, creative, or something else.

Writing this has helped me process my thoughts a bit.  I hope that reading it has provided some amount of value to you.

I still don’t know the answers to all of my questions, but hopefully this thought exercise is orienting me in the right direction.  And if nothing else, that’s a start.

Happy New Year, everyone!

2(ish) Months Later

After all was said and done, I failed the pushup challenge.

I was doing ok.  I surpassed the 85,000 mark with about 3 weeks to go.  I was knocking out between 600-800 pushups most days and was facing a tough challenge, but was on track to complete my 100,000-pushup challenge.

Then, Covid Round 2 struck.  It was Monday night and I went to storage to grab some of my tools to make sure I had what I needed in the final weeks before the Florida move.  When I picked up one of the totes, something felt just a little bit off in my arms.  I was a bit weaker than I expected.  I wrote it off as just being tired from doing so many pushups and preparing to move.

Tuesday morning, I woke up and did 650 pushups for my workout, but I knew right away something wasn’t right.  My arms were exceptionally weak and my muscles ached.  Throughout the day I was ok, but by Tuesday night I was really struggling.  I was tired.  In general, I just felt pretty terrible.  I took a Covid test and it was negative.  Wednesday, I felt even worse.  Thursday morning, I took another Covid test and there was no need to question, “Is that a line?”  It was so very clearly positive.  Then everyone else in the house got it.

The way it presented for me this time around was quite a bit of head congestion, a bit of a cough, and body aches – the kind where I was aware of every joint and muscle in my body for about 3 straight days.  I was miserable.  I did not have the mental fortitude to power through and do pushups in that condition.  Since Abbie was a bit sick as well, we basically laid in bed and watched about 2 seasons of Modern Family in as many days.

While I was cleared and ok to rejoin society that weekend, we had to get the trailer loaded with all of our stuff from storage – thankfully we had hired a crew to do that and they were great.  Even helping them a little and moving around to direct which things needed to stay or were particularly important was absolutely exhausting.

It might sound like I am insinuating that I failed my challenge due to Covid, particularly the second bout.  But that’s not the case.  I failed because I didn’t do enough pushups, plain and simple.  I came up short by a little under 15,000.  That’s only 100 more pushups on half of the days.  If I had done more earlier I would have succeeded.  I had too many 0 or light days and did not protect myself from potentially getting sick or injured.

So that’s it – I failed because I didn’t do enough pushups throughout the year.  And that is how I look at it.  I have had some people say, “Well, 85k is still a lot.”  And yeah, it was a lot.  But I failed my challenge.

In his book, The Comfort Crisis, Michael Easter writes about how we need to get more comfortable with discomfort.  He describes the process of misogi from Dr. Marcus Elliott.  The misogi is a very difficult physical and/or mental challenge.  There are only two rules:

1.       It has to be “really fucking hard”

2.       You can’t die

By “really fucking hard,” Elliott means that there must be a real chance of failure at the challenge.  These challenges should push us to our limits and beyond – allowing us to see where our limits truly are. It should be something with a 50% chance of failure.

This notion is also popular with Cameron Hanes in his book Endure and David Goggins’ Can’t Hurt Me (with the 40% rule).

Your 50% and mine might be very different. “Really fucking hard” is scalable.

I don’t want to make this seem like I am saying, “Good!  It’s ok to fail your challenges!”  Instead, I look at it and think that 100,000 pushups were a great challenge for me last year.  It was hard.  I was close, but not quite close enough.  I didn’t get completely blown away, and I could have succeeded with different tactics.

I learned a lot about myself in the past year.  One of the things that I learned is that I really enjoy having a long-term challenge like that.  85,000 pushups were a lot, but I still failed the challenge.  I feel the need to point that out again and again.  I didn’t go out to do as many pushups as I could this year.  I aimed for 100,000 and fell short of that mark.  I’m not upset with myself.  I am critical of my early-year performance.  But I could have also pushed myself harder.

The challenge, my own personal misogi before I had even heard the term, was great.  I hated doing pushups at the end.  My overall fitness was suffering because all I did was pushups.  I didn’t allow myself time to work on cardio, core, legs.  The most I would do was burpees to get an overall workout, but still made pushups my priority.  At the end it was a mental game.  I could do 20 pushups EMOM for 40 minutes and knock out a quick 800 before work.  But doing that is boring as hell.  That’s where the mental game comes in.

I am coming up on my 37th birthday later this week.  I have spent a lot of time thinking through what my next challenge will be.  What could I do with a 50/50 shot of success?  I have some ideas brewing.  Things that will push me mentally and physically.  Bringing me back to the hard work I did last summer – the hard work that I have essentially undone over the past 6 months.

What will you do to challenge yourself this year?  Join me on a challenge.  What is the first thing that pops into your head?  Don’t try to rationalize it away.  I think we all know deep down where we set our own limits, so my guess is that your first thought is something that goes a bit beyond where you are comfortable, but where you think you might actually be able to go.

So, join me.  Pick something hard.  You will be better for having accepted the challenge.

Understand failure without excusing it.  If you have no chance of failing, you’re not pushing yourself hard enough.

But follow the rules:

1.       Make it “really fucking hard”

2.       Don’t die

In this arena, a challenge is only good if you are able to accept another after.  So do take care of yourself.  But open your mind and see that the limits you put on yourself are far away from your true potential.

I may have just written that last part for myself…

6 Months Later

Wow…it’s already been six months since my last post.  I’m really good at this whole blogging thing…

I’ve put a lot of thought into things, but it always ends up just being, “Oh, yeah – I should write something.”  And then I just don’t.

But so much has happened in the past six months, and even more to come.

A little over six months ago, I completed 75 Hard.  It was a massive success for me.  I learned a lot through that process, including a lot about myself.  I have continued learning since then.

One of the lessons I learned is that when I put my mind to it, it is remarkably simple to completely transform myself.  That’s a great thing to know, especially if there are times that I maybe feel down about myself.  As soon as I choose to do so, and put in the hard work necessary, I can completely transform how I look and who I am.

But that ties into another lesson I have learned in the past six months since completing it.  It is remarkably simple to completely transform myself.  That knowledge makes it easy to think, “Oh, I can start tomorrow.”

Writing is something I truly love to do – though not evidenced by my actually doing it.  Like getting into better shape, though, it is remarkably easy to do.  Which means it is also remarkably easy to do…tomorrow.

But then six months go by.  Posts aren’t made on the blog.  The weight begins creeping up.  While I am still down from when I started on July 5 last year, I am back into an area where my newer clothes are getting a bit too tight, I’m not feeling as great, in a word, I’ve become complacent.

You see, whether writing on the blog or maintaining my personal health and well-being – it is a daily grind.  You have to show up every single day.  That’s the problem with the simplicity of all of it.  It is so simple that it is easy to think, “Oh, one day won’t matter.”  And it’s true – one day does not matter in the long run.  But when you string together enough “one days” it does matter.  And at the same time one day does matter.  It takes one day to begin a new streak.  It also takes one day to break a streak.  To break the momentum.  And that momentum can be very hard to get back.

I have tons of reasons – there is always something that comes up.  About a week after I completed 75 Hard, Abbie came down with Covid.  It didn’t hit her too hard, but it’s still not nothing.  Then I got it.  It hit me quite a bit harder than her, though I didn’t miss a day of work.  I’ve had colds and flus that were worse.  I took a couple of days off after 75 Hard and was just getting back into the swing of it when I got Covid.  That took me out of anything active for the better part of two weeks, and then I had to slowly ramp back up.

In October, for myriad reasons, we finally decided to build a house in Florida.  That’s right!  In the last 6 months there have been some major changes!  We signed with a builder to build what is basically our dream house.  We sold our house of 10 years, listing just before Thanksgiving and signing just after Christmas.  December 2021 was a great time to sell a house!

We moved in with Abbie’s mom across the street – two adults and two kids moving from a 4-bedroom house to two bedrooms in a basement.  It’s been an adjustment.

In a week and a half, we have our walkthrough.  A week after that, we close.

Then goodbye, Minnesota!

Cramped space, big changes with the move, then planning an even bigger move – this has made it very difficult to get back into the routine.  When we lived in our own house, we had more control over what food came into the house.  But I know this is just an excuse.  No matter what food is in the house, I still have control over what food I put into my mouth.  Another lesson learned – I’m very good at making excuses for my poor decisions in what to eat.

I fell way behind in my pushup challenge.  I’m into crunch time now, needing to average almost 500 pushups per day.  I can’t afford to get sick again, which I did last week.  It’s still a doable challenge.  I have 75 days to do a little under 38,000 more pushups.  For the past couple of weeks, I have been right around the pace that I need to hit.

But it’s a grind, for sure.  A lot of days I don’t properly plan, and I end up doing pushups as we are watching a show before bed.

Which brings me to another lesson, closely tied with the others.  During and since 75 Hard, I learned how much I can do if I put my mind to something, take the necessary actions, and most importantly do not compromise.  If I tell myself I will do 500 pushups before I go to bed, I make sure to get it done.  I don’t give myself a choice.  If I am at 300 and I climb into bed, nobody makes me get up and finish the work I know I need to do – only me.  But I have pulled myself out of bed to get those remaining pushups done.

I know that this is a bit of a rambling post, but I’m going to publish anyway – I have too many posts saved that don’t go anywhere because I tell myself how easy it is to write something, so I can just get it done later.  Not today!  Today, I am getting this posted because I have to post something and I won’t allow myself to compromise on that.  Even if it’s not perfect.

I plan to have more in the coming days and weeks – to maybe do a series around our experience moving our family cross-country – some of the things we’ve had to figure out, the way we’ve done it.  I’ve never done anything like this before.

Anyway, there it is – just some thoughts I’ve had rolling around that I told myself I had to post to the blog.  I’d written a lot of this in another document in the past week or two, but never got around to finishing it.  I allowed myself to compromise – to say, “Maybe later.”  But not today.  Today, I am embracing the grind of getting done what I need to.  And that starts here.

The mental side of long-term challenges

I have mentioned before about my year-long pushup challenge.

I am still not on pace, and suffered a setback with a bout of Covid, but am back to getting up early and working out.

This morning, it was 100 4-pump burpees; so, 400 pushups.

My current count for the 124 days I have been doing this challenge is 21,350.  Unfortunately, I am about 12,000 behind pace.

Right now, the task seems particularly daunting.  Each day that I get closer to the finish and stay off pace, the daily average needed increases.  As I get closer, it increases faster.

I know I will be able to do it, but right now, I am having thoughts of, “Ugh, why am I doing this?”

You know what I don’t want to do for a workout tomorrow?

Pushups.

But what am I going to do for a workout tomorrow?

You guessed it – pushups!

It isn’t really a physical challenge at this point.  Of course, it is tiring to do 400 pushups, but the mental side is much more prominent at this point.

The challenge now is fighting through the desire to not do it.

I know that this is the most important battle in this challenge.  The battle to get up early and just do the work.

It’s a mental game at this point.  And I will win.

Lessons learned from completing 75 Hard

I have started this post a few times in the past week, and it was never quite right.  I kept stopping, because I knew I had not yet earned this post.

Lessons I learned from completing 75 Hard.

You see, when I began writing, I had not yet completed the program.  I was still a few days out.

To be honest, the lessons learned haven’t changed.  But that’s not the point.  I hadn’t yet earned the ability to say that I had learned anything from completing it.

So, I would start writing, but never finish the post.  Deep down, I knew it had to wait.

And now, as of waking up this morning, the wait is over.  I have completed 75 Hard.

It is one of the best things I’ve done in my life.

Lesson 1: Plan ahead

There are a lot of things to do through 75 Hard, all of them in addition to day-to-day life.  Family, work, life – none of these things go away throughout the program.  You have to figure out how to get your workouts done.  Your reading done.

Your gallon of water done.  If you don’t plan on starting early, your evening could be rough.

If you don’t plan ahead enough, you may end up doing pushups in your driveway after putting the kids to bed…during a thunderstorm (Day 49).

Lesson 2: Routine is your friend

Andy Frisella says that one of the most common reasons people fail 75 Hard is the progress picture, because they lose sight of (and ignore) the small details which brought them early success.

Pretty much every day, after my morning workout before the house woke up, I made the progress picture a part of my routine of getting dressed in the morning – set up the phone, take a picture, move picture to secure folder, continue getting dressed.  It took all of 10 seconds each day, but I never missed it because it was part of my routine.

Lesson 3: There will be easy days, but the hard days are more important

75 days isn’t very long – two and a half months – but it’s also a long time.  Part of me can’t believe it’s already over, but another part of me can’t believe how long it has been.  To be honest, I set myself up the best I could for success.  There weren’t too many “hard” days where I was struggling to complete my tasks.

But there were some days.  There were a few days that I chalked it up that “this is the day I fail.”  Because some things hadn’t gone according to plan early in the day, so it was nearly 3:00p and I had nothing checked off yet.

I am so grateful to have a supportive wife who encouraged me that there was no reason that I had to fail.  I just had to be creative to get it all done.  And I did.  Throw the kids around the pool and tread water for a while – one workout done.  Sure, the day went a bit later than anticipated or desired, but I got it all done.

We had to put down our old man cat, Carter.  As we were driving home from the vet, so sad because of what we had just done, I told Abbie that when we got home I had to change my clothes and go for a walk, because I sure as shit was not going to compound an already bad day by failing at 75 Hard.  Even though, a whisky would have been really nice that night.

I wasn’t going to do it.  If I failed, it wasn’t going to be because I gave in and said, “OK, Failure – I’m all yours!”  No!  That walk sucked.  It was possibly the worst workout I had in the entire 75 days, but I got out there and got it done, regardless of how bad I felt emotionally.

But I would have been crushed if I had given in to failure.

I made it through.

Late in the program I got sick.  I had about the worst cold I’ve had in recent memory.  Each day I told myself, “If I fail, so be it.  But it won’t be today.  Tomorrow I may fail, but I will not get beat today, no matter how bad I feel.”

I felt like shit.  But I could still go outside, get some fresh air, and go for a 45-minute walk around the neighborhood.

Getting through those hard days, whether from poor planning, sickness, or sadness because of Carter, were so important to my overall success.  Those days were drivers for the days I just didn’t want to do it.

Besides, if every day was easy, what would it matter?

Lesson 4: You can do more than you even realize

I stepped on the scale on July 5th and weighed 217 pounds.

September 17th, and I was 178.  I lost 39 pounds.  I am healthier and stronger than I have been in my life.  I feel better than I have ever felt.  I haven’t taken Tums in months.  I don’t need Breathe Right strips anymore.

All of that, in 75 days.  I look and feel like a different person.

On my birthday, back in June, I looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw.  I looked and felt like a fat, lazy sack of shit.  I hated what I saw.  I hated how I felt.

And that’s ok.  It was true.

I wasn’t doing anything at that time to better myself.  I wasn’t taking proper care of myself for me, for my wife, or my kids.

I decided then that I needed a challenge for myself.  I decided that by my next birthday (June 17, 2022), I would do 100,000 pushups.

I was doing pushups pretty regularly during early 2020, but hadn’t done many in the better part of a year.  I figured that it would require an average of 274 pushups per day over the course of a year.  I wasn’t there yet, but that was definitely a manageable number.  I am not yet on pace, but have been increasing my daily average.

Yesterday, spread over multiple small sets throughout, I did 1,005 pushups.  Over one thousand pushups in one day!  That may not be much for some people, but that is the most I have ever done in a day in my life.

When you put in the time, the effort, the work, it is amazing what you can accomplish.

Today, September 18th (as I write this), we went to a restaurant by our camper for lunch.  I ordered a burger, with the bun, which I haven’t done in the past 75 days.  The diet I chose was essentially low-carb with intermittent fasting (largely what is prescribed in Dr. Jason Fung’s book, The Obesity Code).  The highest carb things I had were occasional rice in a Chipotle bowl and some infrequent grapes or blueberries.  I went 75 days with zero cheats.  Zero alcohol.  Zero candy, cookies, ice cream, treats.

None.

And I didn’t feel like I was really missing that much.

After eating the Cheddar Bacon BBQ burger with fries today – I still feel like I wasn’t missing that much.  Even the fries left me feeling a little…meh.

In any previous endeavor to “eat better,” after a week or so of “eating well,” I would act like I had earned something.  Earned some treat or cheat, if you will.  I had never gone 75 days.

And none of those previous attempts had worked for me in any significant way.

When you have that last drink, that last shitty food that is so damn yummy – all of the things that you do that don’t actually make you better – you feel like there is no way you could go 75 days without.  But you can.  In a way, it’s not that long.  On the other hand, you’ll come to learn how little you actually like that stuff.  The further removed you are from it all, the easier it becomes.

David Goggins talks about his self-developed “40% rule,” saying that most people approach only 40% of their potential, leaving so much more on the table.  Without being negative and shitting all over the work that I did, I can absolutely see that there were times I could have pushed harder.  There were times I could have done more.  Times I chose to walk instead of run.  I may have left some on the table, but at the same time, I always pushed myself enough that I would be able to come back for more.

Given the goals I had at the start I am proud of the progress I made.  In seeing the difference between the start and the finish, I can only imagine how much improvement I will make when I do this again at some point, only that time, I’ll be starting from a better, stronger, healthier spot.

In the end, doing 75 Hard is one of the best things I’ve ever done.  I’ve developed some very good habits which I will continue, even if I am not religiously following the program as I have been.  As Jocko says, “Unmitigated daily discipline.  In all things.  It is the ONLY way.”  I may shift around some of the things I am focusing on, but taking care of myself physically, both through diet and exercise will remain a top priority.  I am not yet where I want to be, but I am directionally correct.  What I know for sure is that I absolutely do not want to go back to what I was.

Bonus lesson: It’s not worth going back to what was before

I started writing yesterday and am picking up again (now, September 19th – 75 Hard + 2).  I essentially had a “cheat” weekend.  With the weekend in the books, I can say it’s just not worth it (the “cheat" weekend).  I had a burger and fries yesterday, gourmet mac and cheese w/ mashed potatoes at Whiskey Inferno last night, as well as a few drinks.  I had a beer and piece of pizza this afternoon at a birthday party, as well as a caramel vanilla ice cream cone and a cookie.  All told, I didn’t go too far off the rails, but was definitely off program.

And it’s not worth it.  I definitely don’t feel as good as I did the previous 75 days.  I can see how easy it would be to fall right back into my old habits, and quickly end up in my old jeans, and my old shirts (none of which fit me anymore).  I don’t want that.

If nothing else, it was a good reminder that I wasn’t missing much.  A good reminder that it’s not worth doing the things I was doing before.  There is a mindset aspect to this as well.  So often, we think about all of the things we are “sacrificing.”  I was sacrificing the enjoyment of an ice cream sandwich.  Instead, I try to look at these decisions not as sacrifices, but as investments.  I am not actually sacrificing an ice cream sandwich; I am investing in my health and well-being.  Today is easily the worst I have felt (based on diet and exercise) than I have felt in the past 11 weeks.  Sure, I felt worse when I was a bit under the weather, but that’s different.

So, my alarm is set for early tomorrow morning to get up and work out.  I don’t know yet if I’ll be fully on program, but I will absolutely continue many of the habits I have developed over the past 11 weeks.  My life is changed, forever.  I am not going to settle for the progress I made.  This is only the start.  I am thrilled about the weight that I lost and the strength that I gained, but I have more to lose, I can become stronger.

I am a different person than I was 11 weeks ago; at least I think I am.  I look like a different person.  I feel like a different person.  I have put in a lot of work.  There is still so much to do.  I would like to think that I am a better husband and father for this – that I am closer to being the man my wife and daughters deserve, rather than the fat, lazy, tired lump that I’ve been for so long.

Getting up and doing pushups, burpees, sit ups, flutter kicks, and whatever other stuff I will impose on myself tomorrow morning may not be for everyone, but for me it’s far better than the alternative.

It’s not easy.  But every day it gets easier.  That also means that every day requires more vigilance.  It is easy to fall back into old habits.  Those old habits are comfortable in the moment.  But once the taste of the ice cream is gone, the pizza is gone, the beer is gone – it’s not comfortable.  At best, I feel just – meh.  Most nights through 75 Hard, aside from some muscle soreness if I had a particularly strenuous workout, I felt great.  Tonight, I feel like tomorrow morning is going to suck because of my weekend decisions, but tomorrow night will feel a hell of a lot better because of it.

The final things I will share are my first and last progress pictures.  It’s easy to hate the guy on the left – the guy who was doing nothing significant to take care of himself.  The guy who would see the red on the BMI calculation and think, “Seriously, this counts as obese?”  But as much as I want to hate him, to ask, “What the fuck were you doing all the time?!?” that dude had some fortitude.  I don’t see that guy in the mirror anymore.  But he did.  And he looked in the mirror and said, “I don’t like what I see.  AND, I need to do something about it.”  That guy was tougher than he looks.  I throw a weight vest on now and go for a walk around the neighborhood, still weighing less than he did.  I don’t know how he did it.  All the time.  No wonder he was always tired.  It would be like me carrying Danica around all day, every day.

I’m embarrassed by the picture on the left.  I let that happen.  I did that to myself.

But that guy made a choice.  And I am so grateful for it.  And I need to continue to earn it, every day.  To continue to better myself.  To get in even better shape.  To continue putting in the work to make myself a better husband and father, a generally better person.

I’m sorry I kinda rambled through this, particularly in the last part.  I just have so many thoughts after this.  This process was so impactful for me, not just physically, but mentally – which is the point.  It’s not a physical challenge, it is a mental toughness program – a program, not a mere challenge.  It’s tough to put into words.  The personal transformation transcends the physical, which was substantial.  I can’t wait to see where it takes me next.

The Development of Ideas

Whether writing a blog post or thinking of an idea for an e-book or longer project, I find myself paralyzed by the notion that any idea I have isn’t fully developed.  And why would I want to publish an idea that isn’t complete?  (I think Steven Pressfield would call this an example of Resistance…)

In Fooled by Randomness (Amazon), the first book of Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s Incerto, he shows how the world is much more random than we tend to think it is.  That is not to say that everything is random (as many people incorrectly interpret his work), but to say that there is more randomness in the world, in impactful and meaningful ways, than we realize.

But what is this randomness that we don’t realize?  The Black Swan (Amazon).  The second book of the Incerto further explores the idea of these random events which fool us so greatly.  The highly improbable events which carry highly disproportionate impacts on our lives and the world.  We are lulled into a false sense of security that highly improbable things won’t happen because of notions like variance and standard deviation, when in reality, so much of history has been determined by a relatively small number of consequential, unpredictable (ahead of time) events.

But why do those improbable events impact us so greatly?  Because we are fragile, and not Antifragile (Amazon), the fourth book of the Incerto.  Fragile things break under stress.  Robust things stay the same.  But, antifragile things gain from stress and disorder.  They become stronger under stress.  The antifragile benefits from randomness.  When we are fragile to unexpected, large random events (i.e. Fooled by Black Swans), we have much more at risk than we realize.  To counteract that fragility, we must strive to become antifragile – an idea that didn’t even have a name (as far as I know) until he developed it.  Our aim should be that we actually benefit from the unexpected and random.

But why are we so fragile?  Because in modern society, most people do not have enough Skin in the Game (Amazon), the fifth book.

My thoughts today are about how NNT’s ideas developed over time.  In Antifragile, he even discusses how the books are not so much individual entries, but one long book that is connected.  He sets the base in Fooled by Randomness, but then develops the idea further in The Black Swan, which raises further questions, addressed in Antifragile, with even more developed solutions in Skin in the Game.

If Taleb had waited until his ideas were fully developed, I’d imagine we wouldn’t have any of these books.  Each of the books is developed in its own right, but reading them in relatively quick succession (I am on day 55 of the 75 Hard program and have been working through the Incerto again as most of my at-least-10-pages-a-day reading regimen), the development of the ideas over time is clear.

A lesson to take from the Incerto, beyond the specific lessons regarding randomness and fragility, is that the development of ideas takes time.  Sometimes years.  And the development of ideas isn’t always done when we think it is.  In Antifragile, he writes about how it is the final step in the journey, not realizing at the time that the notion of Skin in the Game was percolating (references to having skin in the game appear in the prologue of Antifragile) – but would not be released as a book for another six years.

I think I started reading the series in 2017 with The Black Swan.  In reading that one, I realized Fooled by Randomness came earlier, so I picked that one up and read it, then Antifragile, and after it came out, listened to the audiobook of Skin in the Game.  It’s fine to start anywhere in the series.  You don’t need to read the whole of the first to understand and appreciate the second (or fourth or fifth), but going through the development of the ideas from start to current (I don’t know if the Incerto is finished yet – and I would presume that Taleb doesn’t necessarily know either), has its own value.

The astute reader might notice that I have written about books 1, 2, 4, and 5.  But what about book 3?  Great question!

The Bed of Procrustes (Amazon) is a very short book of aphorisms and heuristics – brief comments and observations about life and various other topics.  It is an amazing book, which I keep on my desk and pick up occasionally to just read a few points.  It isn’t prose or any kind of narrative, just aphorisms.  Think of it as sound-bites of the other books and ideas.

RIP, Carter

Sorrow is an undeniable part of life. But I believe that it is part of being human.

I am very sad today. We had to put down our oldest cat, Carter. He was my little buddy. It’s crazy to think he has been around for nearly 1/3 of my life.

He was an incredibly sweet cat.

But pets rarely outlive us, so today I am experiencing sadness at the loss. Walking into a house that is still full, but feels as though there is a hole, because there is.

We gave Carter a great life. He was always our “special" kitty - a little more high maintenance than a stereotypical cat, but we loved him.

But the sadness I feel today is vastly outweighed by the feelings like in this picture.

Feelings from the 11 and a half years Carter was a part of our family. These are the memories I will hold on to. Not the sadness of today.

So, rest in peace, Carter. I miss you, my little buddy. I love you. I am so sorry about today, but I am so grateful you were a part of my life.

Learning about myself

I am through the first 16 days of a 75-day mental toughness program.

Even in a mere 16 days, I am learning things about myself, both now and past.

Lesson 1:
Use small successes to fuel bigger ones.  Don’t settle for small successes

I am down 13 pounds in 16 days.  I know this rate won't maintain, but it is remarkable to see the difference between my day 1 picture and day 16.  In the past, I've had mild success losing a little weight, but after 5 or 10 pounds, or after a week or so of "eating well," I opt to celebrate my "hard work" with some kind of treat.  One individual treat makes no difference in the long run, right?

I would take that small success and turn it into a failure.  I would lose my progress.

Throughout the pandemic, I have maintained my weight, right around 215, give or take a couple of pounds.  July 5, when I began this challenge, I weighed in at 217.4.  This morning, I was 204.4.

Part of this 75-day program is zero compromise, so I don't have the option to have some treat which would historically derail my progress.

I feel better than I have in years.  While I don't look great with my shirt off, I definitely look better than a couple of weeks ago.  Instead of pulling my foot off the gas and taking it easy, it is driving me to push further.

Lesson 2:
Doing what you say you will do is a major win

I have realized how often I would compromise and go easy on myself.  I would often settle for "good enough."  I have learned how great it feels to not compromise and to do the things I set before me.

For example, on my 36th birthday, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt like a fat, lazy, tired sack of shit.  I decided that day that by my 37th birthday I would do 100,000 pushups.

Through most of last summer, I had been doing around 100 pushups per day, but one day I skipped them, then another, and before I knew it, it was June 2021 and I hadn't done any meaningful pushups in recent memory.

I decided that 100k pushups would be difficult, but doable.  It is a challenge that I need to constantly be aware of throughout the year.  It is a marathon, not a sprint.

Earlier this week, I had set in my mind to do 400 pushups that day.  As I started my sets, I began thinking "200 is still a good day…"  I knew right then that I had to do 400 (I ended up doing 425).  And damn it if I didn't feel better doing what I told myself I would do instead of taking the easy way out, selling myself short.

I am the only one holding myself accountable.  But this was a small success.  Successes compound.

In the same way, failures can also compound.  Just like the one missed day doing pushups last summer led to a long stretch of no pushups.

Lesson 3:
The start is the hardest part.

The first set of pushups I did after an extended period of inactivity were some of the hardest I have done in this challenge.  Day 1, I did 125 pushups.  This morning, I did 45 sets of 8 - 1 set each minute for 45 minutes.  360 total pushups, before 7:00a.

After the first workout I did in the 75-day challenge, my legs were so weak that walking was difficult for the rest of the week.  16 days in, I am sore most days, but not in a debilitating way like at the start. 

Pushups were harder 5,000 pushups and 10+ pounds ago.

Lesson 4:
Systems, not goals

Goals are good.  Results are good.  Results, even small ones, can be those successes and sparks that drive us further.  We get a small taste of that which we seek, enough to spur further action.

But the results cannot be the sole focus.

I began this post on Day 13, and the scale read 203.2 that morning.  Today was 204.4.  Yesterday was 205.4.

Does that mean that the days since Day 13 have been failures, since the scale was 1% higher?  If my sole focus was on the scale, then yes.

But I count all of the past 16 days as successes, regardless of the number on the scale.  Why?  Because I got the result I intended on those days - I followed the system for the mental challenge I am on.  I did what I set out to do.  On any given day, it doesn't matter what the scale says.  By following the system, the results will come, in time.

The lessons will continue, I'm sure.

To recap:

1. Small successes fuel bigger ones. Don't settle for small successes

2. Doing what you tell yourself you will is a major win

3. The start is the hardest part. It's all easier from there

4. Focus on systems, not goals.

Time

And it's times like these we learn to live again.

It's times like these we give and give again.

It's times like these we learn to love again.

It's times like these time and time again

- Foo Fighters

The ultimate non-renewable resource. We can never get our time back.

Earlier this week marked 15 years since my grandpa passed away. He was able to meet Abbie a time or two before he passed, but never saw me graduate from college, never met my daughters, didn't see me turn into the man I am (or hope that I am) today.

He'd be happy that he didn't have to witness his tools being put into a Ford, as my uncle loaded some of his old tools into my first truck (a 2002 Ford Ranger). He'd be much happier today with many of those same tools having been transferred into my second GMC Sierra, but I digress.

Last week was Abbie's and my 14th anniversary. It feels like it was just yesterday, but also a lifetime ago.

Time is a funny thing. Once it passes, it is gone. The more it goes by, the faster it seems to go.

Times like these, remembering those we have lost or marking milestones are opportunities to reflect on our lives. What we are doing. Where we are going. Are those observations what we want them to be?

I was looking through some old notes and quotes I wrote in an old notebook and a couple jumped out at me.

In one, I had been thinking about New Years and resolutions, and how I used to think it was stupid. But I had the realization that unless I am already living life exactly how I want it to be, it is never bad to reflect on life, no matter how arbitrary the reason may seem.

The other was a quote from the show Billions, where Lara told Bobby, "If we don't mark the milestones, then we're just passing with the time."

Maybe it is rembering the loss of a loved one on the 15th anniversary of their death. Maybe it is the celebration of another year married. Whatever the reason, take some time to reflect and remember that time passes so quickly. Before you know it, it's gone. And time can never be replaced.

“You read the most random stuff”

Over the last number of years, I have rediscovered the joy of reading. As a kid, I remember coming home from school and reading two Goosebumps books in one evening. Or reading Jurassic Park for the fifth time (a book I revisited as an audiobook last year).

Then I just stopped reading for a long time. It's not that I ever completely stopped, but more that it wasn't something I would regularly do. I read The Hunt for Red October (another one I revisited in the past year as an audiobook) in college, but it took me about a year and a half. The first half of Fellowship of the Ring took me about a week. The remainder of the series took about 3 years.

I did read the Harry Potter series, at least all of the ones that were out to that point over the summer between junior and senior years of college.

Between Audible, my Kindle, and still enjoying the tactile sensation of reading an actual physical book, I read a lot more now (and yes, I am counting audiobooks as reading, even if the experience is different, I am still consuming the content).

I was talking with Abbie and said that I was listening to a book about a tiger poacher who was hunted and destroyed by a tiger in Russia in 1997 (The Tiger, by John Vaillant) and she just responded, "You read the most random stuff!"

It's true. Here is a sampling from my Audible, Kindle, and actual book library of books that I am in the midst of or have read recently:

• The Tiger, John Vaillant

• The Artist's Journey, Steven Pressfield

• The Sopranos Sessions

• Wolves of the Calla (Dark Tower, book V), Stephen King

• Killing the Mob, Bill O'Reilly

• The Beginning of Infinity, David Deutsche

• The Fabric of Reality, David Deutsche

• Vicarious, Rhett C. Bruno

• The Devil's Hand, Jack Carr

• Without Fail (Jack Reacher 6), Lee Child

• Caliban's War (The Expanse 2), James S.A. Corey

• The Ethereum White Paper

I've found that a key is being open to suggestion and recommendations. I have signed up for Ryan Holiday's reading list. I don't read everything on the list, but I have absolutely received some recommendations that I have read, and have then come across some amazing stories that I wouldn't have otherwise found (The Tiger, The Last Pirate of New York).

If I distill it further, I come back to a recurring theme throughout many of the things I've written - curiosity. I see an email from a source I trust (Ryan Holiday) recommending a book as the "best narrative non-fiction" he's read. So I check it out - and hear a crazy story of a poacher who picked a fight with the wrong tiger. A tiger that went on to pick out specific people to hunt and destroy, for lack of any better term.

I listen to a podcast with Naval Ravikant who recommends The Beginning of Infinity, by David Deutsche as a life-changing book, so I get it on Audible. And listen to it twice. Then I pick up another of his books, The Fabric of Reality.

I hear an interview with Bill O'Reilly, talking about his newest book, Killing the Mob, and find myself curious about it. So I get it and read about half of it on the first day.

Curiosity.

Naval said something that stuck with me - read what you like until you like to read. It's so simple. So straightforward. So right.

Just read.

Read anything.

Read everything.

Don't worry about finishing everything you start. If you lose interest, put it down. Pick something else up. Maybe you'll come back to it. Maybe not. It doesn't matter.

There is no functional difference between those who can't read and those who don't read.

So, do what Naval says - Read what you love until you love to read.

Beginning GTD

I have been aware of David Allen's Getting Things Done for some time, but had never gotten around to reading the book.  I finally got the book from the library and read it.

I have written before about how it is easy to go down the productivity rabbit hole and end up getting less than nothing done (but man, do you ever feel inspired, like you can take on the world!).  If you have any familiarity with GTD, reading the book can feel a little bit like that.

But there is definitely value to be had.

The first way I would say you can experience that value is by viewing it as a framework or guidelines.  One of the reasons it is so easy to go down a productivity pr0n rabbit hole is that we are often looking for specific ways to be more productive.  It's almost as though we don't want to be taught or told how to think about a problem, but specifically what to do.

Setting that mindset aside is the first step.

I didn't take a few days, as David Allen recommends, to get all of my thoughts and projects out of my head and into the system.  I don't feel that I'm in a spot that needs that kind of focus at the moment.  I've had a pretty solid system using a notebook at work, my journal, notes in my phone, the small notebook I always carry in my pocket, and calendar reminders, that I felt like I had a pretty solid grasp on most of what is/was going on.

That's not to say my system was perfect - far from it.

So, what am I doing?

I am currently using Microsoft OneNote, and working to get Outlook set up as well.  I've used OneNote for specific projects in the past at work, and we use Outlook for email and calendar, but I've never really implemented Outlook into my personal email/calendar setup.

I enjoy writing by hand in my journal and use that as a way to get thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I’ll sometimes even print out papers and documents because some things are better processed with paper-in-hand versus scrolling on a screen. While I do have that affinity toward paper systems it’s simply not realistic for me, at least at this point in life.  I wanted something that I could have on my computer that would also completely go to my phone.  OneNote and Microsoft OneDrive are perfect for this.

Hell, I am even writing this post on its own page under my Writing tab.  I have created tabs to begin tracking "next actions" depending on location - home, computer, camper, work.  I don't track my work tasks/responsibilities in my personal OneNote, but have begun a separate one on my work computer.  I have a project list, where each project (which Allen defines as any desired outcome which requires more than one action/step to complete) gets its own page.  I do have a section titled Work, on which I jot down notes for things I think of outside of work hours, or if there is something I need to do from my work computer, like get my W2 to do our taxes.

A great thing about OneNote is that I can add pictures and notes to each page as I see fit.  Once I am done with something, I can either delete the page, or easily move it to an Archive folder I've created.  I also have a reference section, which is essentially a new notebook, where I keep information that will be good to have readily available if and when it is needed - like insurance information for my truck for when I need to renew my tabs.

I have always geeked out about this kind of stuff, so I actually find enjoyment in messing around with the tabs and pages.  I'm sure there's a little dopamine hit when I create a new page on my projects list.  It is fun to add some notes and think through what needs to be done.

In the book, Allen talks about how when you go through everything, you'll likely come up with 60-70 (or more) projects on your projects list.  As of this writing, I have 18.  I know that it's not exhaustive.

The ultimate point of GTD, in my interpretation, is to get things out of your head and onto paper (physical or virtual) in whatever system will allow you to no longer worry about it.  For right now, as I have new ideas or thoughts, I add them to the system.  I am taking my time, easing into it.  But every time I have a thought related to something, I add it to the notebook wherever it fits.  Or, I use a Quick Note if I just need to capture an idea for later processing.

A key feature of the system is the 2 Minute Rule, which states that as you are processing your inbox or capture items, if the next action can be done in 2 minutes or less, just do it.  Processing or filing it will take longer anyway, and there is value in getting small, easy wins.  I can attest to that.

I was sitting in my living room after work giving a few minutes' thought to what I can add to my projects list and various actions lists.  I noticed (again) how one of the cats had torn up the fabric on the bottom of the ottoman in the living room.  As I began adding it to my projects list - fix ottoman fabric - and determining the next action - find electric stapler and confirm I have staples in the garage - I realized that it would take me less than 2 minutes to walk out in the garage, look in the drawer of my tool chest where I knew the tool was, and even bring it in the house, plug it in, add a handful of staples to the fabric, and then put it all away.

All told, it took maybe 3-4 minutes, but instead of spending almost half as much time adding it to my projects list to handle later, I just got it done.  I have to say, it felt great!  It was something I'd been looking at any time I was sitting in the living room over the past few weeks, just a lingering thought that, "Hmmm, I should probably do something about that…"  Having the mindset once it came to mind to even get that thought down in the system provided enough value that when I truly looked at it I realized it was something I could do right away.  If it couldn't have been done right away, or if I hadn't had all of the materials/tools I needed, I would have added it to my project list and whatever other necessary tabs to ensure I had a specifically defined next step or shopping list.

Even just dabbling in it, I feel more organized.  I don't know if I'm going to go crazy with it, but even doing it a little bit has enough value that I'll keep on going.

For me, it's not about doing it perfectly as David Allen lays out the system in the book.  It's about finding something that works for me, so I can be comfortable that whatever responsibilities or agreements or obligations I have will not be forgotten.

Stillness

How do you bring stillness into your life?

Meditation?  Reading?  Taking a long walk?

One thing we’ve been doing recently is jigsaw puzzles.  I loved doing jigsaw puzzles growing up, and have really enjoyed doing them again recently.

I talk to my 20-year-old brother-in-law and feel like, “Damn, we’re old.”  But you know what?  I’m ok with it.

It is calm, quiet, enjoyable.

The pragmatist in me is torn.  I like making and building things.  I put together a puzzle and within 5 minutes of the final piece going in, it’s taken apart and put back in the box.  I’ve created nothing.

But does that mean there’s no benefit?  You can read about all sorts of benefits online.  Essentially, it’s mental exercise.

Clicking a piece into place literally feels good.  It makes you want to do more.

I’ve read that there is a release of dopamine when we find success at something, even something as simple as a jigsaw puzzle.  This is the same effect we get seeing a positive reaction on social media - but without all of the associated negative side effects.

What interests you?  I’m sure there’s a puzzle out there for it.  I couldn’t care less about generic landscape or flower pictures when it comes to puzzles.  But we’ve found some fun Harry Potter and Star Wars puzzles, even one from the show The Office.

We have two kids at home.  They’re great kids and I wouldn’t change a thing, but needless to say, it can get a bit chaotic around here.  Doing puzzles in the evening has been a nice way to bring some calm, some stillness, back into our lives after the kids go to bed.

What do you do to bring some stillness into your life?  Clearly, I recommend giving puzzles a try.  Share a comment below

A moment for reflection

A little over a week removed from our ordeal with the furnace and electrical, it is worth taking a moment to reflect on the things for which we can be grateful.

Our new furnace works great. The house is consistently warmer than it has probably ever been. We have our health. We were all safe through everything.

It can be difficult in the moment to find gratitude, especially when everything seems to be falling apart. But when you get some distance from it, make sure to take a moment to find a spot for gratitude.

A case of the Mondays

“You know, you guys are handling this a lot better than most people.”

This is something an electrician said to us on Monday afternoon.  Suffice it to say, Monday wasn’t a great day for us.

It started when I woke up at 3:00a and the house was a little bit cool.  The furnace wasn’t blowing any air.  I did the first thing I always do in a situation like this and checked the furnace filter.  It was pretty dirty, but removing it didn’t get the air flowing.

I changed the thermostat to “Fan” instead of “Auto.”  That got the air flowing, but it was just blowing cool, ambient temperature air.  We weren’t getting any heat, it was -18 degrees outside, and the temperature inside the house was dropping at about 3 degrees per hour.

The furnace was dead.  Cracked heat exchanger.  The good news is that it shuts down if it breaks, so as to not blow carbon monoxide through the house and, you know, kill us.

If you’re paying attention, you probably noted that I’m talking about the furnace, but the initial statement came from an electrician.

Yeah.  That’s the kind of day it was.

We were able to get somebody out in the morning to give us a bid on a new furnace.  We met the sales rep at about 10:30a, and by 1:00p, they were installing our new furnace.  The internal temperature of the house had dropped to the low-50s by then.

We plugged some space heaters in throughout the house to try to at least slow the dropping temps until we had the furnace up and running.  After a few minutes, the breaker blew.

I couldn’t reset it.  When I tried, I saw a spark and heard a nice big POP in the breaker box.  Time to call the electrician.

I’ve replaced outlets before.  That’s not too difficult.  But I won’t mess with the panel.  We called the electrician thinking he would need to replace an old, blown breaker.

He took one look and said, “I need to isolate the problem in the house.  What probably happened is that the circuit got overworked by the space heaters, melted the insulation around the wires, allowing the wires to touch, causing the short.”

Our house was built in 1976 and there was a lot of...questionable...work done.  I have now learned that a 15A circuit should have no more than 10 outlets connected to it.  We had all 4 bedrooms, 22 outlets in all, wired to that one circuit.  So, putting small space heaters in the separate bedrooms was not sufficient since they were all wired together.

He was unable to isolate the problem.  Evidently, the problems went way beyond just one spot on the line.

So, now we need to have a new circuit run from the panel, through the walls, to the rooms.  Scratch that, two circuits, since you can’t have that much on one.

And then the breaker box needed to be replaced because it was old, there wasn’t room, and it was more or less a complete mess.

I woke up a little cold at 3:00a and 10 hours later needed a new furnace and a shit-load of electrical work done.

“You guys are handling this a lot better than most people.”

I actually responded to him that we basically had two choices - we could be out almost $16,000 on the day, or we could be out almost $16,000 on the day AND be pissed off about it.

To top it off, the door knob between the house and the garage seized up and broke, likely because of the insane cold we have been experiencing the past week, and also needs to be replaced.

What I have really seen through this ordeal, though, is the importance of remembering your philosophy.  I have written quite a bit in the past about how I read the Stoics.  I try to read at least a little bit each day.  I don’t read substantial amounts, but just a little bit, so I always have it fairly fresh in my mind.

When an objectively pretty rough day hit, it was ok.  It was kept in perspective.  We have our health.  We were safe.  We didn’t burn the house down.  It never got so cold inside that we had to worry about the pipes bursting, causing even more damage.  Devin went to my mother-in-law’s house, and Danica was at daycare.  It happened on a day off, but not on a day that we had already had plans.

The two big issues now being addressed were pretty much the last two things we had not addressed in the house - the furnace and the breaker box.  If and when we try to sell the house, we likely would have had to cut our price by at least as much as it cost us so the next owner could address those issues.  We are just paying for them now instead of later.  And at least now we get to enjoy the benefits of a new furnace for the time being.

I don’t wish this ordeal on any of you.  But when days like that hit, remember to keep your philosophy close at hand.  For me, Stoicism helps.  You will be faced with an option.  Whatever is happening is happening.  It can happen, or it can happen AND you can be angry about it.

It still doesn't have to be that hard

Being a parent - it doesn’t have to be as hard as we often make it.

A few years ago, we bought Devin a fort-building set.  It has balls with holes that sticks can go into and you can make a variety of shapes.  To be honest, the thing is a real pain in the ass.  The sticks don’t go into the balls very well, even I have trouble getting them in there - how hard must it be for a 6-year-old?

A few days ago, I was working late and she came into the office asking for help with her fort because it kept collapsing whenever she tried to put a blanket over it.  She had made a square base and sides, but didn’t have any support on the top.  After it collapsed for a third time, she was incredibly upset.

I was getting frustrated because it was my late day at work, and on top of that, I hate this fort-building set, because as I mentioned before, it’s a complete pain in the ass to deal with.

As a parent, I often struggle with wanting my kids to figure out how to do things for themselves, but at the same time remembering that sometimes they just need their daddy to take care of things.

This was one of those times.  I can’t always build a fort when my kids want to play in one, but on the flip side I can’t always “won’t build a fort.”

I understood the importance of connecting the supports at the top, so there was at least some structure to hold the fort together with the weight of a blanket on top of it.  I was able to show Devin why the fort had collapsed when she tried it.  It was an instant change in her.  It wasn’t exactly what she was hoping for, but it was a hell of a lot better than a collapsed pile of plastic and blankets.  She was happy with the result.

And it took maybe 5 minutes.  I don’t think I even missed an email in the time I was helping her.

It’s difficult to find that balance.  I want my kids to try to figure things out themselves.  But I also want them to come to me when they need help.  Sometimes they just need encouragement to try another way.  But sometimes they just need me to be their daddy and build a quick fort for them.

It doesn’t have to be so hard.

I’ve written about this before.  Evidently, sometimes I need repetition to drive a point home.

Creative Malaise

It took me a while to figure out the right words, but I think this best describes where I am right now.  At least how I feel.

I’ve been writing most days, but it has been mostly little bits of ideas.  Nothing fully formed.  Nothing particularly deep or worth sharing.  But it feels like there’s at least a seed of something there.

It’s been cold and snowy, so I haven’t been able to get out into the garage to make things.  All of my tools and my bench have been pushed to the side to make room for the Jeep when we’ve gotten measurable snow, but then when the snow is gone and the driveway is clear, it’s been too cold to get out there and do any work.

Most evenings we have just been sitting in the living room watching the Big Bang Theory, which has been nice and fun, but not doing much to get me out of this creative malaise.

Abbie has been working on Cricut projects.  I’ve mostly been sitting there watching TV.

I have tried to be engaged when watching the show.  Paying attention to the way the scenes break down.  How different stories are told through each episode.  Noticing small comedic vignettes which remind me of some of the filler scenes when I’ve gone to performances at The Second City when I’ve been in Chicago for work.  Actively thinking about how the show is put together and why it works so well.

But I haven’t had problems to solve.

One of the things I’ve been thinking and writing about is working on becoming better at recognizing problems.  We learn in school how to solve problems that are presented to us, but they are presented in clean, clear, concise ways.  “Here is the situation, what do you do?”

But what do you do when the situation is not particularly defined?  When you are the one defining the situation?

How do we recognize the problems that we need to solve?

I’ve been thinking about this, all the while stuck in this malaise.

I have a problem - for whatever the reason, I am not creating anything.

I know that there is a problem in that there are not enough whisky flight boards and wine caddies in the world.  My solution is to make some, but when it is too cold for me to work in the garage, I need to find a different problem to solve.

This is a prime example of using a system versus a goal.  My system is to write.  It is not necessarily to publish, but to write.

I noticed that it had been over 10 days since I had posted anything to the blog.  And I started telling myself that I was failing.  I was dropping the ball.  I was somehow not doing something right.

But I was following my system.  Maybe not perfectly, but I was still directionally right.  I was writing at least a little bit on most days.  System success.  Goal, not applicable.

So, maybe calling it a creative malaise is putting too much pressure on the result and not enough emphasis on the system.  I was definitely having a publishing shortage in terms of what I had posted on the blog, but I can look back at well over 10 pages I’ve written in the past week and half or so, getting ideas out of my mind and onto the page.  Some of those ideas have made their way into this post.

The way out of a creative malaise is to do the work.  If you are having trouble writing something worth publishing, write something that isn’t worth publishing.  Then something else.  And something else.  Until something clicks.

I wasn’t even writing much in my journal this week, until I started writing about how I was having a hard time writing.  I deconstructed what was happening, and then I was on a roll, and this post was born in my mind.

I’ve been able to connect some of the dots from things I’ve been working on in the past few weeks and begin to put something together.  The work I’ve done is still there.  Maybe something else will come from it at some point.  Maybe it’ll just be this.  Who knows?

It doesn’t even matter.  What matters is doing the work.

If you’re feeling stuck, write something terrible today.  It might just trigger something in you tomorrow, or the next day, or...you get the point.

The book is better

“It was ok, but the book was definitely better.”

How often do we say this?  It’s almost always true.

We think that somehow this time will be different.  This will be the time that the show or the movie just blows us away.

And oftentimes, we are left with, “Meh...it was good, I guess…”

I’ve watched the first few episodes of the CBS All Access miniseries The Stand.

The book is better.

What is it that draws us back to watching adaptations on TV, when we know they will likely disappoint?

I truly do not know.

In the past year, Abbie and I have gotten into listening to audiobooks on Audible.  I can’t help but think we are tapping into something deeply ingrained in us by listening to stories.  Until recently, in the history of the world, stories were passed down orally.  There is something to that.

Whether reading or listening, I think we all see something different in our mind’s eye.  The medium allows for such detail.

Maybe it’s that the medium is just different.  You can get more detail of what a character is thinking, their motivations.  At the same time, one establishing shot can cover 4 pages of description.

But this gets to a deeper question - why do we continue doing something that we are almost certain will disappoint?

The first 4 episodes of The Stand have been nothing special.  Why am I still planning on watching the final 5?

I don’t know.

I loved the audiobook of 11.22.63.  The Hulu series was nothing special.  Yet, I watched the entire thing.

Why?

Through books and audiobooks, I have been transported to the world of The Wheel of Time, Middle Earth, and followed Mitch Rapp’s adventures around the world.  It’s great.

I’m sure I will be disappointed, but I will also likely watch The Wheel of Time show when it comes out on Amazon, whenever that is.

The Terminal List, too.

And I probably won’t wait for others to say it’s good.

Does it come down to a serious case of FOMO?  I watch The Stand, because maybe this will be the episode where it becomes awesome.

Maybe this post is a long way of saying nothing.  Maybe I’m thinking deep down that I need to watch less TV and read more.  Reading and audiobooks are always more satisfying.

How many more books and stories could I experience if I wasn’t wasting my time on disappointing TV and movie adaptations of the books and stories that I love?  Even when they’re good, the book is almost always still better.

Just something to think about.

Start becoming a human being

“Keep these nine points in mind, like gifts from the nine Muses, and start becoming a human being. Now and for the rest of your life”

— Marcus Aurelius - Meditations 11.18

Your homework from the last post was to read Meditations 11.18. I’ve read and re-read it probably a dozen times in the past few days. There is just so much to unpack. Let’s just start with the first point and see how far we get.

“My relationship to them. That we came into the world for the sake of one another”

— Meditations 11.18.i

The first step to start becoming a human being now and for the rest of my life is to remember that we are in this world for the sake of each other. We are in a relationship by our very existence.

I find myself going online and getting upset. I see posts from others and my initial response is, “Yeah, well, you…”

And I have lost my way.

It is easy to forget that we are all a part of a bigger community. I get so caught up in my tribe that I forget that we are in this world for the sake of one another. This doesn’t mean that others are here for me, but that I am here for their sake.

How am I contributing, then? By spouting some talking points to which I’m sure they have a response already chambered? What contribution is that? What am I adding, for their sake?

By our very existence we are in a relationship with one another. It is sad to say that I need to be reminded of that.

It is easy to forget that we are all just people trying to make our way through this life.

“What they’re like eating, in bed, etc. How driven they are by their beliefs. How proud they are of what they do”

— Meditations 11.18.ii

I wake up a little after 6:00a. I make my coffee and enjoy the quiet of the house in the morning before the kids are awake. I get ready for my day.

I log into work.

My wife and I get the kids set for the day.

Back to work.

Have lunch.

Chat with my wife.

Pick up the kids.

Make dinner.

Play with the kids.

Have a Scotch.

Watch a show with my wife.

Go to bed.

Repeat.

We are all the same.

It is so easy to look at a different tribe and forget that they are people. They eat and sleep, among every other thing I do in life, no different than myself.

They are driven by their beliefs to do and say the things that they do and say. They are proud of the things that they do. The accomplishments they have made.

Me too.

If I take a moment to picture somebody who may view the world a bit differently than me, sitting at their laptop writing out thoughts on the events of the past few days, how different are we, truly?

I need to remember how similar we are.

“That if they’re right to do this, then you have no right to complain. And if they aren’t, then they do it involuntarily, out of ignorance. Because all souls are prevented from treating others as they deserve, just as they are kept from the truth: unwillingly. Which is why they resent being called unjust, or arrogant, or greedy - any suggestion that they aren’t good neighbors”

— Meditations 11.18.iii

The first two points are easy platitudes to say. Of course, we’re all in this together, we’re all alike.

With the third point, it starts getting real.

Since I know everything and have all of the exact right answers, everyone who does differently than me must be wrong.

But what if they’re not?

That if they’re right to do this, then you have no right to complain

No right to complain. Is it possible that somebody else is somehow right? Maybe. I need to remember that.

And if they’re right, I have no standing to complain.

But what if they’re not?

A recurring notion in Marcus’ writings is that nobody intentionally does wrong. If somebody does something that is wrong it is because they somehow think it is right. That doesn’t necessarily make it ok, but it is important to understand, going back to point 2 - how similar we all are.

If I am wrong, it is not because I want to be wrong, but because I incorrectly think I am right.

Which is why they resent being called unjust, or arrogant, or greedy - any suggestion that they are not good neighbors

If I go online and make an insinuation that somebody else is being unjust, of course they will resent me for it. Just like me, they believe they are doing the right thing.

“That you’ve made enough mistakes yourself. You’re just like them.
Even if there are some you’ve avoided, you have the potential.
Even if cowardice has kept you from them. Or fear of what people would say. Or some equally bad reason”

— Meditations 11.18.iv

Another reminder that I have made mistakes, too. I am no different. I may tell myself I haven’t done anything that bad, but even so, the potential is there. Maybe the only reason I haven’t done worse things is because I’m afraid to, or I worry about what others might say. Whatever the reason, I need to remember that I have the capacity within to also make mistakes.

The book Ordinary Men tells the story of how some regular guys in a Polish police battalion came to be used in the Holocaust. These men were working class, middle-aged, just wanted to get home to their families, in a word, ordinary. Clearing out towns, committing heinous acts. Regular guys, many of whom were no different than me.

The book is horrifying when you pause to think about what ordinary people can be capable of.

I’d like to think that the mistakes I have made in life have not been too bad. But that hardly means that I lack the potential for worse.

“That you don’t know for sure it is a mistake. A lot of things are means to some other end. You have to know an awful lot before you can judge other people’s actions with real understanding”

— Meditations 11.18.v

Judging others is easy. It is so obvious when somebody else is doing something so clearly wrong. So clearly a mistake.

But how can I know for sure it is a mistake?

Do I know everything about the person? Do I know why they are doing something?

Nothing occurs in a vacuum. Everybody thinks they are doing the right thing, even those doing wrong things, in my eyes, are doing the right thing as they see it. People do not do what they believe is the wrong thing.

Or if they do, they have some justification for it.

Maybe I disagree with their reasoning, but how can I truly know that what they are doing is a mistake? It very well may be, but I am hardly in a position to know the inner workings of their minds.

How many problems could be lessened if I remember that I cannot read minds? How many problems are exacerbated, particularly online, because we presume to know another person’s rationale for a particular action?

You have to know an awful lot before you can judge other people’s actions with real understanding

With real understanding.

Therein lies the key. It is easy to assume that I have all the “facts,” as if they matter. It is easy to assume that I know “an awful lot,” and that I have real understanding.

“When you lose your temper, or even feel irritated: that human life is very short. Before long all of us will be laid out side by side”

— Meditations 11.18.vi

Life is too short for anger. Hell, it’s too short to even accept irritation. Yet another reminder that we are not so different, you and I. Before long, we’ll all be dead. At that time, do any of these differences, the anger, the irritation - do they matter?

“That it’s not what they do that bothers us; that’s a problem for their minds, not ours. It’s our own misperceptions. Discard them. Be willing to give up thinking of this as a catastrophe...and your anger is gone. How do you do that? By recognizing that you’ve suffered no disgrace. Unless disgrace is the only thing that can hurt you, you’re doomed to commit innumerable offenses - to become a thief, or heaven only knows what else”

— Meditations - 11.18.vii

A running theme through Meditations, and really all of the Stoics, is that it’s not things or events that impact us, but our perceptions that do.

It’s not what other people do, but how we view what other people do that gets us upset.

Stop viewing everything as catastrophic, and your anger will melt away.

Even Marcus asked how to do that.

Again, perception. And an understanding that we are not so different, and equally liable to commit offenses.

When we realize that we are not so different, we can view events and things in a different light, understanding how easily the tables could be turned

“How much more damage anger and grief do than the things that cause them”

— Meditations 11.18.viii

I am not sure if there are two more destructive forces in life than anger and grief.

Somebody says something. Somebody does something. It’s over in a moment. But the anger, the grief fester. They linger for hours, days, years.

We all know people, maybe even ourselves, whose lives have been ruined by the anger and grief they carry.

Righteous anger has been used to justify so much destruction in our world. The things that cause anger are bad, but the anger itself causes so much more damage. Lives are ruined externally and internally.

Everyone has dealt with anger and grief. I know I am not alone in this. But anger and grief are facts of life. We must learn how to deal with them. How to set them aside.

Seneca writes about how grief will leave us in time, after some tragic event, but how it is better for us to leave grief first. An external tragedy is bad. How much worse when it destroys us internally as well?

I think of the parable of the parent who told their child to go pound a nail into the fence every time they were angry. After awhile, the parent told the child to go remove the nails for which they were no longer angry. As the nails were removed, the holes became apparent, and did not go away simply because the nail was gone. Anger had left its mark, its damage.

So you were wronged. That is in the past. It is over. What purpose does your anger serve today? Or is it yet a destructive force taking down your life with it?

“That kindness is invincible, provided it’s sincere - not ironic or an act. What can even the most vicious person do if you keep treating him with kindness and gently set him straight - if you get the chance - correcting him cheerfully at the exact moment that he’s trying to do you harm. ‘No, no, my friend. That isn’t what we’re here for. It isn’t me who’s harmed by that. It’s you.’ And show him, gently and without pointing fingers, that it’s so. That bees don’t behave like this - or any other animals with a sense of community. Don’t do it sardonically or meanly, but affectionately - with no hatred in your heart. An not ex cathedra or to impress third parties, but speaking directly. Even if there are other people around”

— Meditations 11.18.ix

Kill them with kindness.

But mean it. Don’t patronize. Don’t be sarcastic about it.

Don’t point fingers.

If you get the chance, try to set somebody straight with kindness. Show them that they are the ones who are truly harmed by their actions - not anybody else.

It comes full circle - we are a community.

Animals with a sense of community do not act as we do. Bees don’t behave like we do, harming one another because of petty disagreements. Bees don’t point fingers and use somebody else’s actions to justify their poor behavior, acting against the community.

When everything shifts to "us vs them,” we lose our sense of community, which is inherent to us all. We forget to be kind to one another. To provide correction is ok. But it must be done in kindness, with affection, not as punishment, or with hatred in our hearts.

It’s not about impressing other people or showing how kind you can be. It is genuine. Sincere.

It is a reminder that we cannot be harmed by external forces, only by what we allow to harm us. This is another recurring theme in Meditations.

You don’t have to turn this into something. It doesn’t have to upset you. Things can’t shape our decisions by themselves (6.52)

Or

Choose not to be harmed - and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed - and you haven’t been (4.7)

Or, even

It can ruin your life only if it ruins your character. Otherwise it cannot harm you - inside or out (4.8)

We are not harmed by the actions or words of others. If those actions or words are bad, they are the ones harmed by them.

We are, however, harmed when we do not act in kindness and generosity ourselves. We harm our community when we forget that.

“And along with not getting angry at others, try not to pander either. Both are forms of selfishness; both of them will do you harm. When you start to lose your temper, remember: There’s nothing manly about rage. It’s courtesy and kindness that define a human being - and a man. That’s who possesses strength and nerves and guts, not the angry whiners. To react like that brings you closer to impassivity - and so to strength. Pain is the opposite of strength, and so is anger. Both are things we suffer from, and yield to”

Courtesy and kindness. Not anger, rage, pandering.

Anger and pandering are selfish. They focus on me. That I have been wronged. That I have been slighted. Or that I know better than you. They foster division.

Courtesy and kindness are where true strength lies.

“...and one more thought from Apollo:

That to expect bad people not to injure others is crazy. It’s to ask the impossible. And to let them behave like that to other people but expect them to exempt you is arrogant - the act of a tyrant”

— Meditations 11.18.x

I think I’ll just leave that last thought as it is.

And another homework assignment, which builds off of the final point. Read Meditations 9.42.

---

In summary, this is a list of how we can start to become a human being. These points seem so obvious. Maybe it is their simplicity that makes them so easy to forget as we go about our lives.

1. We are in this world for the sake of one another. We are in relationship by our mere existence. In a word, community

2. We aren’t so different. In fact, we are quite alike

3. If they’re right, I have no right to complain. And if they’re wrong, it’s not intentional. To assume the worst in others brings out resentment

4. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. And have the potential for worse

5. I have to know an awful lot before I can judge other people’s actions with real understanding

6. Life is too short to be angry and irritated. As Proximo says in Gladiator, “We’re all dead men”

7. It’s our perceptions and misperceptions that bother us, not what other people do or say. Stop thinking everything is a catastrophe

8. Anger and grief cause more damage than the things that caused them in the first place

9. Kindness, courtesy, and generosity vs anger and pandering

10. Bad people will do bad things. Allowing them to treat others that way while expecting you will be exempt is arrogant, the act of a tyrant

This isn’t a comprehensive list of how to live, but it sure seems to be a good start.

And with that, I leave you for today.

Anger is not the answer

“If it does not harm the community, it does not harm its members.
When you think you’ve been injured, apply this rule: If the community isn’t injured by it, neither am I. And if it is, anger is not the answer. Show the offender where he went wrong”

— Marcus Aurelius - Meditations 5.22

Our community is injured right now.

Anger

Hatred

Vitriol

Pain

Our community is injured. It is almost as though we have forgotten that we are a community. Anger is what we see on all sides, but anger is not the answer. Show. Don’t tell.

Your homework for today is to go read Meditations 11.18. Meditate on it.

Like pretty much everyone, I am struggling to put yesterday’s events into proper perspective, to avoid anger at what is happening.

There is a way through this, if we want to find it.

An Unexpected Ending

This past weekend may have been my last fantasy football game.

Like many people in their mid-30s, I’ve played fantasy football for the better part of the past 20 years.  I really enjoy it.

For the past 13 years or so, I’ve looked forward to and listened to a weekly fantasy football radio show/podcast from the local sports radio station.  I even made a trip or two out to the “Fantasy Football Training Camp” to see a live broadcast of the radio show, followed by a couple additional hours of presentations and discussion.  For a number of years, I listened to ESPN’s daily fantasy football podcast.  I haven’t listened in a long time, but do have fond memories of my time as a member of the 06010.  Now I don’t even download…

Over the years, I was in many leagues.  I was never too crazy – I think I maxed out at four leagues in a given year, but often had two.  The last few years, I’ve been in just one.

From the local radio show, about 10 years ago, I learned about the idea of an Empire League – a traditional dynasty league with a twist.  Half of our buy-ins each year went into a side pot which would be won by the first team to win two consecutive championships.  After that occurred, the league would dissolve.

The first iteration of the league lasted only 3 years, and we immediately rebooted.  5 years later, and this past weekend’s championship game is possibly the final fantasy football lineup I will ever set.

Throughout the entire season, it wasn’t quite a foregone conclusion that we would have a repeat champion, but it seemed entirely possible, if not even likely.  Heading into the championship game, it was projected to be close.  He had a few players perform well; I had a few players underperform significantly.  And he won.

Congratulations!

Our league no longer exists.  I don’t have any keepers to select.  I don’t have any league to roll over to next season.

I’ve been the commissioner of our leagues the past 8 years, and a few before that with many of the same people.  We’ve had turnover throughout the years, but the core of the league has remained for well over a decade.

But it’s time for me to step down as commissioner.  I just don’t have the time and energy to put into it to ensure that it is a good experience for everyone involved.  The experience of the league is important to me.

There is interest in rebooting, but I’m not sure there is enough.  I’m not sure somebody else wants to take the reins as commissioner.  Many people had very kind things to say about how I ran the league, and I have to say they all made it very easy.  But I just can’t commit to finding enough teams, setting up the draft, managing the buy-ins.

The end of the league was not a shock.  The champion had a good team that only got better this season.  And I came up a little bit short.

But the end of this league isn’t the unexpected ending I’m talking about.  What has been setting in these past few days is the possibility that I may have played my last game of fantasy football.

I’m not going to join some public league on ESPN.  Even though I’d never met some of the people in the league in person due to turnover we’ve experienced over the years, I really enjoyed playing with this specific group.

So, I’ve found myself a little sad these past few days, as it sets in that I may be moving onto a new station in life – one in which I look back with fondness on my years wasting so much time on football statistics and having a rooting interest in nearly every game in a weekend in the NFL.

I don’t even know where I would place the odds.  I tell myself it’s 50/50, but honestly feel that’s a lie.  Based on nothing at all, I’d say it’s maybe 70/30 that I’m done.  Maybe 30% that somebody else wants to run the league, that we find enough people who want to participate in a dynasty league which could go for 2 years, or 15.  But do I see myself playing fantasy football when I’m 50?

I honestly don’t know.

Due to the league rules, I was prepared for this to be the final season of this iteration of the league.  But I hadn’t given a second thought to the possibility that this could be it.

And now that possibility feels like a likelihood.

Maybe as we roll into July and August next year, we’ll all get drawn back in.  For right now, I just have this feeling that it’s over.

Something that has been a part of my life for almost 20 years is just done – like that.

And the crazy part is that I’m not entirely sure if I’m disappointed about that or not.  Not simply fine with it, but actually a little glad to be done, bittersweet as it may be.

But maybe it’s like growing up a little bit.  Putting away the games from my youth.  Over the past few years, I watch less football than before.  If I don’t have fantasy to consider, I may be back to only caring about the Vikings’ games.

RIP Empire League 2.0 – 2016-2020.  A fun league that will be missed.  If this is how my fantasy football career ends, I’ll retire in the full knowledge that it was a good run.