“Keep these nine points in mind, like gifts from the nine Muses, and start becoming a human being. Now and for the rest of your life”
Your homework from the last post was to read Meditations 11.18. I’ve read and re-read it probably a dozen times in the past few days. There is just so much to unpack. Let’s just start with the first point and see how far we get.
“My relationship to them. That we came into the world for the sake of one another”
The first step to start becoming a human being now and for the rest of my life is to remember that we are in this world for the sake of each other. We are in a relationship by our very existence.
I find myself going online and getting upset. I see posts from others and my initial response is, “Yeah, well, you…”
And I have lost my way.
It is easy to forget that we are all a part of a bigger community. I get so caught up in my tribe that I forget that we are in this world for the sake of one another. This doesn’t mean that others are here for me, but that I am here for their sake.
How am I contributing, then? By spouting some talking points to which I’m sure they have a response already chambered? What contribution is that? What am I adding, for their sake?
By our very existence we are in a relationship with one another. It is sad to say that I need to be reminded of that.
It is easy to forget that we are all just people trying to make our way through this life.
“What they’re like eating, in bed, etc. How driven they are by their beliefs. How proud they are of what they do”
I wake up a little after 6:00a. I make my coffee and enjoy the quiet of the house in the morning before the kids are awake. I get ready for my day.
I log into work.
My wife and I get the kids set for the day.
Back to work.
Have lunch.
Chat with my wife.
Pick up the kids.
Make dinner.
Play with the kids.
Have a Scotch.
Watch a show with my wife.
Go to bed.
Repeat.
We are all the same.
It is so easy to look at a different tribe and forget that they are people. They eat and sleep, among every other thing I do in life, no different than myself.
They are driven by their beliefs to do and say the things that they do and say. They are proud of the things that they do. The accomplishments they have made.
Me too.
If I take a moment to picture somebody who may view the world a bit differently than me, sitting at their laptop writing out thoughts on the events of the past few days, how different are we, truly?
I need to remember how similar we are.
“That if they’re right to do this, then you have no right to complain. And if they aren’t, then they do it involuntarily, out of ignorance. Because all souls are prevented from treating others as they deserve, just as they are kept from the truth: unwillingly. Which is why they resent being called unjust, or arrogant, or greedy - any suggestion that they aren’t good neighbors”
The first two points are easy platitudes to say. Of course, we’re all in this together, we’re all alike.
With the third point, it starts getting real.
Since I know everything and have all of the exact right answers, everyone who does differently than me must be wrong.
But what if they’re not?
That if they’re right to do this, then you have no right to complain
No right to complain. Is it possible that somebody else is somehow right? Maybe. I need to remember that.
And if they’re right, I have no standing to complain.
But what if they’re not?
A recurring notion in Marcus’ writings is that nobody intentionally does wrong. If somebody does something that is wrong it is because they somehow think it is right. That doesn’t necessarily make it ok, but it is important to understand, going back to point 2 - how similar we all are.
If I am wrong, it is not because I want to be wrong, but because I incorrectly think I am right.
Which is why they resent being called unjust, or arrogant, or greedy - any suggestion that they are not good neighbors
If I go online and make an insinuation that somebody else is being unjust, of course they will resent me for it. Just like me, they believe they are doing the right thing.
“That you’ve made enough mistakes yourself. You’re just like them.
Even if there are some you’ve avoided, you have the potential.
Even if cowardice has kept you from them. Or fear of what people would say. Or some equally bad reason”
Another reminder that I have made mistakes, too. I am no different. I may tell myself I haven’t done anything that bad, but even so, the potential is there. Maybe the only reason I haven’t done worse things is because I’m afraid to, or I worry about what others might say. Whatever the reason, I need to remember that I have the capacity within to also make mistakes.
The book Ordinary Men tells the story of how some regular guys in a Polish police battalion came to be used in the Holocaust. These men were working class, middle-aged, just wanted to get home to their families, in a word, ordinary. Clearing out towns, committing heinous acts. Regular guys, many of whom were no different than me.
The book is horrifying when you pause to think about what ordinary people can be capable of.
I’d like to think that the mistakes I have made in life have not been too bad. But that hardly means that I lack the potential for worse.
“That you don’t know for sure it is a mistake. A lot of things are means to some other end. You have to know an awful lot before you can judge other people’s actions with real understanding”
Judging others is easy. It is so obvious when somebody else is doing something so clearly wrong. So clearly a mistake.
But how can I know for sure it is a mistake?
Do I know everything about the person? Do I know why they are doing something?
Nothing occurs in a vacuum. Everybody thinks they are doing the right thing, even those doing wrong things, in my eyes, are doing the right thing as they see it. People do not do what they believe is the wrong thing.
Or if they do, they have some justification for it.
Maybe I disagree with their reasoning, but how can I truly know that what they are doing is a mistake? It very well may be, but I am hardly in a position to know the inner workings of their minds.
How many problems could be lessened if I remember that I cannot read minds? How many problems are exacerbated, particularly online, because we presume to know another person’s rationale for a particular action?
You have to know an awful lot before you can judge other people’s actions with real understanding
With real understanding.
Therein lies the key. It is easy to assume that I have all the “facts,” as if they matter. It is easy to assume that I know “an awful lot,” and that I have real understanding.
“When you lose your temper, or even feel irritated: that human life is very short. Before long all of us will be laid out side by side”
Life is too short for anger. Hell, it’s too short to even accept irritation. Yet another reminder that we are not so different, you and I. Before long, we’ll all be dead. At that time, do any of these differences, the anger, the irritation - do they matter?
“That it’s not what they do that bothers us; that’s a problem for their minds, not ours. It’s our own misperceptions. Discard them. Be willing to give up thinking of this as a catastrophe...and your anger is gone. How do you do that? By recognizing that you’ve suffered no disgrace. Unless disgrace is the only thing that can hurt you, you’re doomed to commit innumerable offenses - to become a thief, or heaven only knows what else”
A running theme through Meditations, and really all of the Stoics, is that it’s not things or events that impact us, but our perceptions that do.
It’s not what other people do, but how we view what other people do that gets us upset.
Stop viewing everything as catastrophic, and your anger will melt away.
Even Marcus asked how to do that.
Again, perception. And an understanding that we are not so different, and equally liable to commit offenses.
When we realize that we are not so different, we can view events and things in a different light, understanding how easily the tables could be turned
“How much more damage anger and grief do than the things that cause them”
I am not sure if there are two more destructive forces in life than anger and grief.
Somebody says something. Somebody does something. It’s over in a moment. But the anger, the grief fester. They linger for hours, days, years.
We all know people, maybe even ourselves, whose lives have been ruined by the anger and grief they carry.
Righteous anger has been used to justify so much destruction in our world. The things that cause anger are bad, but the anger itself causes so much more damage. Lives are ruined externally and internally.
Everyone has dealt with anger and grief. I know I am not alone in this. But anger and grief are facts of life. We must learn how to deal with them. How to set them aside.
Seneca writes about how grief will leave us in time, after some tragic event, but how it is better for us to leave grief first. An external tragedy is bad. How much worse when it destroys us internally as well?
I think of the parable of the parent who told their child to go pound a nail into the fence every time they were angry. After awhile, the parent told the child to go remove the nails for which they were no longer angry. As the nails were removed, the holes became apparent, and did not go away simply because the nail was gone. Anger had left its mark, its damage.
So you were wronged. That is in the past. It is over. What purpose does your anger serve today? Or is it yet a destructive force taking down your life with it?
“That kindness is invincible, provided it’s sincere - not ironic or an act. What can even the most vicious person do if you keep treating him with kindness and gently set him straight - if you get the chance - correcting him cheerfully at the exact moment that he’s trying to do you harm. ‘No, no, my friend. That isn’t what we’re here for. It isn’t me who’s harmed by that. It’s you.’ And show him, gently and without pointing fingers, that it’s so. That bees don’t behave like this - or any other animals with a sense of community. Don’t do it sardonically or meanly, but affectionately - with no hatred in your heart. An not ex cathedra or to impress third parties, but speaking directly. Even if there are other people around”
Kill them with kindness.
But mean it. Don’t patronize. Don’t be sarcastic about it.
Don’t point fingers.
If you get the chance, try to set somebody straight with kindness. Show them that they are the ones who are truly harmed by their actions - not anybody else.
It comes full circle - we are a community.
Animals with a sense of community do not act as we do. Bees don’t behave like we do, harming one another because of petty disagreements. Bees don’t point fingers and use somebody else’s actions to justify their poor behavior, acting against the community.
When everything shifts to "us vs them,” we lose our sense of community, which is inherent to us all. We forget to be kind to one another. To provide correction is ok. But it must be done in kindness, with affection, not as punishment, or with hatred in our hearts.
It’s not about impressing other people or showing how kind you can be. It is genuine. Sincere.
It is a reminder that we cannot be harmed by external forces, only by what we allow to harm us. This is another recurring theme in Meditations.
You don’t have to turn this into something. It doesn’t have to upset you. Things can’t shape our decisions by themselves (6.52)
Or
Choose not to be harmed - and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed - and you haven’t been (4.7)
Or, even
It can ruin your life only if it ruins your character. Otherwise it cannot harm you - inside or out (4.8)
We are not harmed by the actions or words of others. If those actions or words are bad, they are the ones harmed by them.
We are, however, harmed when we do not act in kindness and generosity ourselves. We harm our community when we forget that.
“And along with not getting angry at others, try not to pander either. Both are forms of selfishness; both of them will do you harm. When you start to lose your temper, remember: There’s nothing manly about rage. It’s courtesy and kindness that define a human being - and a man. That’s who possesses strength and nerves and guts, not the angry whiners. To react like that brings you closer to impassivity - and so to strength. Pain is the opposite of strength, and so is anger. Both are things we suffer from, and yield to”
Courtesy and kindness. Not anger, rage, pandering.
Anger and pandering are selfish. They focus on me. That I have been wronged. That I have been slighted. Or that I know better than you. They foster division.
Courtesy and kindness are where true strength lies.
“...and one more thought from Apollo:
That to expect bad people not to injure others is crazy. It’s to ask the impossible. And to let them behave like that to other people but expect them to exempt you is arrogant - the act of a tyrant”
I think I’ll just leave that last thought as it is.
And another homework assignment, which builds off of the final point. Read Meditations 9.42.
In summary, this is a list of how we can start to become a human being. These points seem so obvious. Maybe it is their simplicity that makes them so easy to forget as we go about our lives.
We are in this world for the sake of one another. We are in relationship by our mere existence. In a word, community
We aren’t so different. In fact, we are quite alike
If they’re right, I have no right to complain. And if they’re wrong, it’s not intentional. To assume the worst in others brings out resentment
I’ve made plenty of mistakes. And have the potential for worse
I have to know an awful lot before I can judge other people’s actions with real understanding
Life is too short to be angry and irritated. As Proximo says in Gladiator, “We’re all dead men”
It’s our perceptions and misperceptions that bother us, not what other people do or say. Stop thinking everything is a catastrophe
Anger and grief cause more damage than the things that caused them in the first place
Kindness, courtesy, and generosity vs anger and pandering
Bad people will do bad things. Allowing them to treat others that way while expecting you will be exempt is arrogant, the act of a tyrant
This isn’t a comprehensive list of how to live, but it sure seems to be a good start.
And with that, I leave you for today.